Embracing Childlessness
This blog is dedicated to all women who wanted to bear children and could not.
Childlessness is not being able to bear a child, although one wanted to have a kid. In our society, it is considered as a curse, an imperfection, a disability and we are understandably terrified of ending up as a childless woman. It is ingrained in our mind since our childhood that becoming a mother is the most fulfilling, purposeful and meaningful thing in a woman’s life. So then what about those of us who could not? It is high time we change the way WE think. We should stop thinking of our condition as a tragedy, even though the society, media, portrays it that way, because it is NOT. It’s quite COOL. Why should we feel miserable, for something that is beyond our control?
Having a child is an event, a happening in one’s life. If that is a blessing then childlessness is also a blessing. Childless women are just as beautiful, as strong, as compassionate, as kind, as focussed, as responsible, if not more. If Motherhood is cool, childlessness is also cool.
After all, there was a time when women dreamed of lives other than being mothers, precisely so that they could create lives of meaning. It is the meaning we give to things, rather than the things themselves, that shapes our reality. And the meaning we give to things is something under our control, and can be changed. – JODY DAY
MY STORY
The power of stories is that they can recreate old worlds or create new ones. They have the ability to transform our reality, even our memories, and with that, our beliefs. – JODY DAY
Nothing has been easy for me in my life. Writing about it should be the topic of a separate blog. It would suffice to mention here that I met my husband when I was 23 years old. My love story was clueless, for the longest time (for 10 years) as we had so many difficulties and were cornered a multiple number of times by life before we finally got together. Though I never dreamt of becoming a mother in my childhood or adolescent years, I was always certain that whenever I wanted to be one, I could. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind. However, I was in for a very BIG SURPRISE.
I am a very obedient daughter. I have never let my parents down, and I thank the universe for blessing me to be able to do that. I have made the dreams that they had for me, my own. So when my parents told me that I should plan on having kids, I put my heart and soul in trying to get pregnant. But little did I know that this time, things were TOTALLY out of my control.
The first month that we tried to have a baby, I did not have even an iota of doubt about the outcome. I was sure that I will conceive. At that point, I knew very little about these things. Whenever someone spoke about their difficulties in conception, I used to think ‘This can never happen to me. After all, I am a dancer, yoga practitioner, really fit and my period is like clock work, on time every single month.’ I always judged those who could not conceive which shows how mean and ignorant I was. I would say ‘ Oh but she is too fat/ they are too thin/ they eat a lot/ she has irregular periods/ they are fretting over nothing/they are not fit/ she does not work out/they have diabetes/oh she has thyroid’ etc. I always thought that their difficulty was temporary, never knowing or understanding the magnitude of pain that one goes through. When I went through the same thing, it finally dawned on me that there was NO LOGIC. It can happen to anyone.
The second month of failure, had me worried a little. From the third month I was desperate. I could not believe that after all the difficulties that I had faced, all my life, with things never happening as I had envisioned, EVEN CONCEPTION would get difficult for me. I tried harder. I made my husband’s life miserable. We went through all the tests just to make sure there was no physiological defect. There was none. I moved in with my husband with the sole focus that I should somehow conceive. I felt my body was letting me down. Understandably my body was not really happy with this. I suffered from gastric disorders which was the least of my sufferings. Mentally and emotionally, I was a MESS.
The first month after moving to Madurai, when I failed to conceive, I broke down like I had never before, causing immense anxiety to my husband and my parents. From then on it was a journey downhill. I felt that I was failing in my duty as a wife. I became depressed with continuous failure. I deleted my facebook account, because I just could not handle the baby news feeds. Any pregnancy announcement tore my heart, literally. Although I wished them well with all my heart, there was this constant question in my mind ‘Why is it not happening for me?’ Even seeing a pregnant lady on the road became an unbearable torture. I contemplated on ending my life many times during those months. My husband, who was super scared for me, hid/removed all the knives in the house. Finally, one day, I decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. This was in October 2017, when I first decided to talk about it openly in my blog. The overwhelming response for it was surprising because all along, I thought I was the only one, fighting this battle alone. My healing started when I knew that I was not alone.
I decided to CONFRONT MY FEAR, of never becoming a mother. So what if I am Childless?. I told myself ‘I am a rock-star, mom or not’. From October 2017 to now I have healed so much, mentally, emotionally and physically. I do not fear getting my period now. In fact I welcome it. I laugh more, joke more and more importantly I don’t give a damn about ending up childless, because I think Childless is SUPER COOL. No one should go through the pain and suffering that I went through. I pray that every girl conceives when she wants to, without any difficulty. I wish all those of you who are childless to find peace, happiness and get over the ‘baby mania’ which can make us lose our mind and transform us into difficult people.
Here are some of my answers to the common conversations on childlessness that used to cause immense pain to me previously but has no power over me now.
Why don’t you adopt?
Because I don’t want to. Adoption is not for everyone. It’s definitely not for us.
How many kids do you have?
I used to immediately jump to the defence when someone asked me this. I used to let them know that I am trying and would give them some insight into how desperately I wanted a kid. Now I make a conscious effort to just answer with a ‘NO’. And when they probe? I tell them that ‘if it’s meant to happen it will. We are not avoiding pregnancy.’
Why don’t you go in for fertility treatments?
I do not believe in Fertility treatments. I have read a lot on it. I am pretty sure that it’s not good for me or for my future child, which I doubt would be possible with fertility treatments anyways. (Considering the failure rate of IUI and IVF).
It's because you dance that you are unable to conceive, stop dancing.
This hurts me the most. It is my tender spot, particularly because the main reason for my marriage being delayed was 'Dance' as well. Though I know for a fact, that dance does not hinder conception in anyway, I keep silent and pray that the other person gets rid of their ignorance soon. For those who dint know I stopped dancing for a year, but still did not conceive.
You should have gotten married early.
I stopped responding to such statements. But there was a time when I raved and ranted to my husband about the 10 year wait that we had to go through, for I believed what the doctors told me that my age was the factor for not conceiving. Now I know that it is NOT TRUE. People of all ages have miscarriages, are childless, have difficulties in conceiving. On an individual level, Age does not matter. If it is meant to happen it will. However AGE is a big tool for marketing fertility clinics and that is why a lot of information about age being a major factor for childlessness is available online. I have NO REGRETS.
Dying alone
All of us die alone, unless we die in a plane crash that is :-)
No one to take care of you when you are old.
Do I even need to speak on how irrelevant this statement is in today's world?
No one to carry on your legacy
Not important. In any case, my life’s work will definitely be remembered.
Being Childless has its advantages, highlights and positive points. It is all in the way we perceive it. My happiness depends on my thoughts. It does not depend on being married or having a child. Accepting the reality, whether we like it or not, whether it is what we expected or not, will make our life beautiful and peaceful. Everything happens for the best.
LOVE AND LIGHT.
P.S I am grateful to my husband and my parents for being my pillars of support, when I was lost and floundering. Without them, my healing would not have been so complete. For those reading this, I hope my blog helps you heal and face your fears.
