This blog is dedicated to all women who wanted to bear children and could not.

Childlessness is not being able to bear a child, although one wanted to have a kid. In our society, it is considered as a curse, an imperfection, a disability and we are understandably terrified of ending up as a childless woman. It is ingrained in our mind since our childhood that becoming a mother is the most fulfilling, purposeful and meaningful thing in a woman’s life. So then what about those of us who could not? It is high time we change the way WE think. We should stop thinking of our condition as a tragedy, even though the society, media, portrays it that way, because it is NOT. It’s quite COOL. Why should we feel miserable, for something that is beyond our control?

Having a child is an event, a happening in one’s life. If that is a blessing then childlessness is also a blessing.  Childless women are just as beautiful, as strong, as compassionate, as kind, as focussed, as responsible, if not more. If Motherhood is cool, childlessness is also cool.

After all, there was a time when women dreamed of lives other than being mothers, precisely so that they could create lives of meaning.  It is the meaning we give to things, rather than the things themselves, that shapes our reality. And the meaning we give to things is something under our control, and can be changed.  – JODY DAY

MY STORY 

The power of stories is that they can recreate old worlds or create new ones. They have the ability to transform our reality, even our memories, and with that, our beliefs. – JODY DAY

Nothing has been easy for me in my life. Writing about it should be the topic of a separate blog. It would suffice to mention here that I met my husband when I was 23 years old. My love story was clueless, for the longest time (for 10 years) as we had so many difficulties and were cornered a multiple number of times by life before we finally got together. Though I never dreamt of becoming a mother in my childhood or adolescent years, I was always certain that whenever I wanted to be one, I could. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind. However, I was in for a very BIG SURPRISE.

I am a very obedient daughter. I have never let my parents down, and I thank the universe for blessing me to be able to do that. I have made the dreams that they had for me, my own. So when my parents told me that I should plan on having kids, I put my heart and soul in trying to get pregnant. But little did I know that this time, things were TOTALLY out of my control.

The first month that we tried to have a baby, I did not have even an iota of doubt about the outcome. I was sure that I will conceive. At that point, I knew very little about these things. Whenever someone spoke about their difficulties in conception, I used to think ‘This can never happen to me. After all, I am a dancer, yoga practitioner, really fit and my period is like clock work, on time every single month.’ I always judged those who could not conceive which shows how mean and ignorant I was. I would say ‘ Oh but she is too fat/ they are too thin/ they eat a lot/ she has irregular periods/ they are fretting over nothing/they are not fit/ she does not work out/they have diabetes/oh she has thyroid’ etc. I always thought that their difficulty was temporary, never knowing or understanding the magnitude of pain that one goes through. When I went through the same thing, it finally dawned on me that there was NO LOGIC. It can happen to anyone.

The second month of failure, had me worried a little. From the third month I was desperate. I could not believe that after all the difficulties that I had faced, all my life, with things never happening as I had envisioned, EVEN CONCEPTION would get difficult for me. I tried harder. I made my husband’s life miserable. We went through all the tests just to make sure there was no physiological defect. There was none. I moved in with my husband with the sole focus that I should somehow conceive. I felt my body was letting me down. Understandably my body was not really happy with this. I suffered from gastric disorders which was the least of my sufferings. Mentally and emotionally, I was a MESS.

The first month after moving to Madurai, when I failed to conceive, I broke down like I had never before, causing immense anxiety to my husband and my parents. From then on it was a journey downhill. I felt that I was failing in my duty as a wife. I became depressed with continuous failure. I deleted my facebook account, because I just could not handle the baby news feeds. Any pregnancy announcement tore my heart, literally. Although I wished them well with all my heart, there was this constant question in my mind ‘Why is it not happening for me?’ Even seeing a pregnant lady on the road became an unbearable torture. I contemplated on ending my life many times during those months. My husband, who was super scared for me, hid/removed all the knives in the house.  Finally, one day, I decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. This was in October 2017, when I first decided to talk about it openly in my blog. The overwhelming response for it was surprising because all along, I thought I was the only one, fighting this battle alone. My healing started when I knew that I was not alone.

I decided to CONFRONT MY FEAR, of never becoming a mother. So what if I am Childless?. I told myself ‘I am a rock-star, mom or not’. From October 2017 to now I have healed so much, mentally, emotionally and physically. I do not fear getting my period now. In fact I welcome it. I laugh more, joke more and more importantly I don’t give a damn about ending up childless, because I think Childless is SUPER COOL. No one should go through the pain and suffering that I went through. I pray that every girl conceives when she wants to, without any difficulty. I wish all those of you who are childless to find peace, happiness and get over the ‘baby mania’ which can make us lose our mind and transform us into difficult people.

Here are some of my answers to the common conversations on childlessness that used to cause immense pain to me previously but has no power over me now.

Why don’t you adopt? 
Because I don’t want to. Adoption is not for everyone. It’s definitely not for us.

How many kids do you have?
I used to immediately jump to the defence when someone asked me this. I used to let them know that I am trying and would give them some insight into how desperately I wanted a kid. Now I make a conscious effort to just answer with a ‘NO’. And when they probe? I tell them that ‘if it’s meant to happen it will. We are not avoiding pregnancy.’

Why don’t you go in for fertility treatments?
I do not believe in Fertility treatments. I have read a lot on it. I am pretty sure that it’s not good for me or for my future child, which I doubt would be possible with fertility treatments anyways. (Considering the failure rate of IUI and IVF).

It's because you dance that you are unable to conceive, stop dancing.
This hurts me the most. It is my tender spot, particularly because the main reason for my marriage being delayed was 'Dance' as well. Though I know for a fact, that dance does not hinder conception in anyway, I keep silent and pray that the other person gets rid of their ignorance soon. For those who dint know I stopped dancing for a year, but still did not conceive.
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You should have gotten married early.
I stopped responding to such statements. But there was a time when I raved and ranted to my husband about the 10 year wait that we had to go through, for I believed what the doctors told me that my age was the factor for not conceiving. Now I know that it is NOT TRUE. People of all ages have miscarriages, are childless, have difficulties in conceiving. On an individual level, Age does not matter. If it is meant to happen it will. However AGE is a big tool for marketing fertility clinics and that is why a lot of information about age being a major factor for childlessness is available online. I have NO REGRETS.

Dying alone
All of us die alone, unless we die in a plane crash that is :-)

No one to take care of you when you are old.
Do I even need to speak on how irrelevant this statement is in today's world?

No one to carry on your legacy
Not important. In any case, my life’s work will definitely be remembered.

Being Childless has its advantages, highlights and positive points. It is all in the way we perceive it. My happiness depends on my thoughts. It does not depend on being married or having a child. Accepting the reality, whether we like it or not, whether it is what we expected or not, will make our life beautiful and peaceful. Everything happens for the best.

LOVE AND LIGHT.
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P.S I am grateful to my husband and my parents for being my pillars of support, when I was lost and floundering. Without them, my healing would not have been so complete. For those reading this, I hope my blog helps you heal and face your fears.

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What is my qualification to write on this topic?

 I qualify because I am a human being (Homo sapien) who is quite curious and passionate about the workings of the body and mind. Furthermore, I am also an extensive reader on this topic and I have lived for 34 years, living each minute to the fullest (almost), letting each experience shape and sculpt my beliefs and thoughts on LIFE, rather than having a RIGID view, that I have observed in many of my species.

I was a firm believer of Modern medicine (like many others), and like the vast majority in India, I too wanted to become a doctor. I firmly believed that anything other than allopathy was bullshit. About 10 years back, I developed diarrhoea. I went to various doctors, took medicines, lived on curd rice and plain idlis. However the Diarrhoea did not stop for 3 months!!!!. I had lost a lot of weight and was feeling weak and concluded that I must be having AIDS (LOL!!). That is when one of my friends on facebook, an ayurveda doctor, recommended a medicine to me. I gave it a shot. Lo and behold!! My diarrhoea stopped. This was my FIRST interaction with AYURVEDA (the science of life).

DANCER, KNEE PAIN AND OLEATION

Later, when I was really busy with back to back dance shows, I developed a pain in my knees and sudden cramps in my calves. I consulted an Orthopedician at Chennai. He told me I had arthritis, which, he said was quite a common condition around 30 years of age (I was 28!!! And a dancer!!!!). He gave me some tablets, that I was supposed to take for a week. I did. I felt great, there was NO PAIN. WOW!!
However, once the week’s course was over, the pain was back, this time worse than before. I went to him again, took the (same!!!) tablets again. As soon as the course was over, the pain was back AGAIN!!! You remember this friend of mine, that ayurveda doctor, I called her. She told me to apply oil on my body (which I had NEVER done for years!!!) and certain other natural simple remedies like, drinking ghee early in the morning, in empty stomach. In about a month, my pain completely disappeared and NEVER came back again. I was AMAZED!!!!

DISCHARGE FROM MY BREASTS AS A SIDE EFFECT OF A TABLET!!!!

Specialization and reductionism have killed any real progress. The first Law of Thermodynamics says that "anything that divides eventually disappears." Today science has divided so much that in medical science we have right ear specialists and left ear ones who don't seem to see eye to eye on any ear! - Dr. B. M. HEGDE
 
The following experience changed my perspective on health almost by 360 degrees. This, I would say was THE life changing experience. About 2 years back, I took up this challenge of singing and doing nattuvangam for my student’s arangetram and a few other shows as well. A few days before the program, my throat became sore. I went to an ENT doctor who gave me a tablet for three months to completely cure the irritation that was caused due to acid reflux. I faithfully took those tablets. Two months later, I freaked out when I found liquid discharge from my nipples.

When I went to the nearest doctor, she asked me to test my Prolactin hormone level. It was WAYYYY higher than the normal range. I was super scared to say the least!!! I was wondering if my pituitary gland was ok. I went to consult the best Endocrinologist in town. The minute I entered, the doc asked me the names of the other tablets I was taking. On hearing the name of this tablet suggested by the ENT specialist, she told me that could be the reason for the HIGH Prolactin levels. Of course we had to rule out the Pituitary gland problem by checking the level of the other hormones that it produced, which was all, THANKFULLY normal.
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FROM THAT DAY onwards till today, I have not taken ANY Allopathy drug, and I don’t intend to take one in the future as well unless there is an emergency where the ONLY OPTION to life is allopathy. I realised that human body is not a machine that is made up of different parts but is ONE WHOLESOME ENTITY that includes the mind and the soul as well. I found it really funny and tragic that my ENT Doctor did not know the side effect of the medicine that he had prescribed for me!!!!! Or if he did know WHAT WAS HE THINKING!!!!!That’s when I realised that ALL DRUGS have side effects. The side effects and the intensity of it that it will cause you, might be different from the side effect that it will cause me.
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I DO NOT BLAME THE DOCTORS

I know some fantastic doctors, who are service minded, who consider the human mind and body as a wholesome entity. I have HUGE respect for them and their knowledge. Lets get this strainght, I DO NOT  blame the doctors. I blame the SYSTEM. The problem starts right from our education, which never talks about the wonderful natural medicines that is abundant in our country. The SIDDHA and AYURVEDA principles, that were a must for each student to study in the ancient Indian system of education, disappeared after the British came into the picture. Now, each part of the human body is considered separately and treated, which is why we develop additional complications, when one complication is treated. HUMAN BODY WORKS AS A WHOLE. A good doctor is one who understands this, no matter what his/her speciality is. Finding such doctors is difficult. When you find one who believes in holistic healing, and is willing to listen to you, you can thank your lucky stars!!!!.

A few doctors, who dared to think and be different are Dr.B.M.Hegde, world renowned cardiologist, Dr. Lissa Rankin[1] (Obstetrician-gynecologist), Dr Marcia Angell[2] (world renowned Pathologist and Physician), Dr. Rangan Chatterjee. There might be more and they all point out one thing that has been well summed up by Dr. Rangan as follows

I’ve worked as a doctor for 16 years and I'm taking a stand. The way we practise medicine is wrong….well, half wrong at least! It all started when I began to realise that I was genuinely only helping about 20% of my patients in my busy GP surgery.

The sad fact is, as doctors, we’re largely taught to ‘cure illnesses’ by suppressing symptoms and to practice a type of medicine that’s suitable for acute or emergency care. Our training is not as useful for the current epidemic of chronic lifestyle-related conditions that are now flooding our surgeries.
                                                                                                                                     -Dr.Rangan Chatterjee[3]  

KNOW YOUR BODY

We might be WHOEVER, but if we don’t know our body, then we are in for BIG TROUBLE.  So we need to understand our body and mind. We need to remember that preventive health care is the BEST!

TRADITIONAL SYSTEM OF INDIAN MEDICINE

Ayurveda teaches that man is a microcosm, a universe within himself. He is a child of the cosmic forces of the external environment, the macrocosm. HIS INDUVIDUAL EXISTENCE IS INDIVISIBLE FROM THE TOTAL COSMIC MANIFESTATION.[4] Traditional medicine always stresses on the importance of prevention, leading a healthy life style and attaches immense value to the regular practise of YOGA, which I find is very sensible.

Why I am writing this blog….

• Every time I talk about traditional medicine, many ask me if it is scientific? Let me tell you, NOTHING is scientific. If you believe in the medicine, IT WILL WORK. And the best thing is TRADITIONAL MEDICINE DOES NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECTS, which means that you don’t put yourself under risk of Adverse drug reactions, non-alcoholic Cirrhosis of liver or some other side effect.

                       Although there is NO PILL for every ill, there is an ILL following EVERY PILL.
                                                                                                                                                  - Dr. B.M.Hegde

• PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE. (By Prevention, I am NOT referring to the routine screenings that many corporate hospitals offer as packages. )We need to know our body and mind. We need to stay happy. Mind is the horse that pulls the cart called the body and MIND is not only in the brain. It is in each cell of our body. The power of positivity, tranquillity and prayer should never be underestimated.
• Because there was this brilliant question about the effectiveness of Nilavembu Kashayam by a celebrity recently :-D

• Because we all need to THINK and not blindly accept anything in desperation and fear. Remember FEAR Kills!! No one, no matter how many degrees they have behind their name can predict for sure how your body is going to react to any illness, whether imaginary or not. We also need to remember that drug Companies rule the medical world. Many of them sell drugs by suppressing the information about their side effects.

 
Finally, Friends, Please do remember that, in cases of EMERGENCY, like accidents, heart attacks, acute wheezing, stroke, ALLOPATHY IS A BOON and is an ABSOLUTE NECESSITY. However, once the emergency situation disappears, we need to move to a holistic path towards wellness.
 
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN. That’s fine. But please think. Because if you think, you might realise that preserving the wellness of the healthy Swasthasya swasthya rakshanam (स्वस्थस्य स्वास्थ्यरक्षणं) and the traditional Indian medicine is SENSIBLE.
 
WIIFM (What’s in it for me?)
 
If you are healthy, I am healthy, for you and I are part of the same Macrocosm. :-)
 
Lots of love to you!!!

References
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUYLa7MAlPc

[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDbQNBla6aU&feature=youtu.be

[3] https://www.drchatterjee.com

[4]  Ayurveda The Science of self healing by Dr. Vasant Lad

Other References (A few)

What doctor’s don’t get to study in Medical School by DR. B.M.Hegde
Ashtanga Hrdayam by Vagbhata
Many Ted Talks and videos by the doctors whose names are mentioned above.

Do you really become pregnant when you RELAX!!! I have always felt extremely frustrated when people told me to RELAX in order to conceive. But now I understand what they meant. I don't know if one will become pregnant when one relaxes, however one really starts to LIVE in peace and finds happiness when we RELAX!! 

In India, no one talks about the difficulties in getting pregnant. To start with, in biology classes we are taught that when a sperm fuses with an egg, fertilization occurs and we have a baby. Nothing is mentioned about the difficulties in conception that couples face (even when EVERYTHING is absolutely 'NORMAL' according to allopathy) in any of these text books. Since I never looked beyond text books where these matters were concerned, that's all I knew.  I fell in love with my guy when I was 23. However, life gave us some tough situations to handle, and we started living together only when I completed 33 years. Around this time, we started trying to have a baby.

I thought HAVING A BABY WAS THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD. Well, I still do, but it depends on what you think is the meaning of EASY. Easy is most definitely not conception on the very first try. It does happen for a few. A few 'claim' they conceived on the very first try, for reasons best known to them. But for me and my husband it did not happen that way. Initially, the first couple of months I was pretty cool about it. However, when month after month I did not conceive, I panicked, my anxiety levels increased and I started feeling depressed. I started to obsessively think about all the 'WHYS' for this FAILURE to conceive. I went in for follicle study, hormonal tests and for a Sonosalpinogram using saline water for determining if there are any blocks in my fallopian tubes.

There was NO need for me to have gone through these tests....because everything about my physical health was normal, I am a classical dancer and hence FIT. But you see, I was stressed and freaked out, mainly because of my age, which I thought could be the sole reason for the delay. I was 33 and all the websites that I opened asked me to 'DO SOMETHING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!'. There were some genius suggestions given to me, that, if I stopped dancing I will conceive.  I stopped dancing for about 8 months. I became very unhappy and depressed. I made my husband's life MISERABLE. Uniting in Matrimony and starting to FINALLY LIVE TOGETHER, which was supposed to be the best part of our life, became a nightmare. I used to breakdown everytime I got my periods, which always came on the 27/28th day, perfectly on time every cycle. Our sex life, which used to be PHENOMENAL, became traumatic for both of us. 

At this point I started reading up on the various 'LINE OF TREATMENTS' for my condition which is UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY.....Starting from tablet and injection to IUI to the more advanced IVF, there were many options available to have a baby QUICKLY by playing with our hormones, pituitary gland, ovaries, hypothalamus and ultimately with the unborn children. I don't see a point in explaining the above sentence because it is self explanatory. The advanced procedures like IVF are also terribly expensive. All I can say is, I did not feel that TREATMENT was necessary when there was no problem or illness. I don't believe in UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. But I was perennially confused and was not sure if I was doing the right thing. Later, I realized that it was not only me, many of us are confused and unsure of what is the best course of action, to go in for the fertility treatments or not. After all, when we WANT something very badly, we do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET IT...Right?

WRONG.

Because even after all these procedures there is very little chance of conception, and the failure stories are many. The possibility of having a miscarriage, twins, triplets is higher, simply because what we are doing is against the nature. We need to consider all these possibilities, and also the possibilities of various health problems that are associated with these fertility treatments objectively, (which is NOT a CAKE WALK), before opting for it.  In all these years of working with my body, mind and soul (as an artiste), I have come to realize that, the natural equilibrium and workings of the body, when disturbed, is DEFINITELY not good for the mind and vice versa. 

'Where there are choices to make, make the ones you won't regret'.

With respect to the statistics related to AGE, I don't believe that to be true either. Yes, we are all born with a particular number of eggs, but we can never predict the workings of a human body, NO ONE CAN!!. With faith and HOPE miracles happen and the conception of a child is a MIRACLE. I was conceived on the very first try by my mom who was then 24 and my dad who was 51. It is also worthy to note here that before I was conceived my mom had had 4 abortions, all forced and not natural. An aunt in my family conceived at the age of 48, and a cousin of mine at 40 (after many failed attempts at IUI, and after the doctor told her that she will not conceive) in the natural way.The following blog is a must read for all those who are worried about their age, thegoodshufu.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/howd-i-get-pregnant-naturally-at-45-5/


I feel that in our society 'giving birth to a child' is blown out of proportion and surrounded by many misconceptions. However, giving birth to a child is not the only purpose in life. There is a reason why a child is called 'Kuzhandai Selvam' (my precious child) in Tamil. The conception WILL happen when it happens. Nothing can change that. If it is not meant to happen, it will not happen, no matter what we do and how HARD we try. But, in the process, we might be damaging our mental health and thereby our physical health or vice versa.

The important thing that I realized at this point in time in life is that making a baby is not in our hands. As a wife my Dharma is to live as a WIFE to my husband, and the baby will be and should be a miraculous outcome of our family life (Illaram, as they call in Tamil). That is the beauty of it. It becomes very ugly, when we chart the PRIME DAYS, become anxious, frustrated and expect things to happen the way we want it to happen.

I CHANGED. I started dancing again because after a lot of research in this area I found sitting like a duck was not going to get me pregnant, but on the contrary, it was making me a very difficult person to live with. (Serena Williams' story was a HUGE inspiration). I started AICA kalaikoodam.weebly.com/aica.html, which I am really passionate about and for the FIRST TIME I really understood what they meant by RELAXING. We are still trying to have the baby but if it doesn't happen I am fine with that too, because I believe in the philosophy of Bhagavath Geetha, that it is our duty to only do our duty and not expect the rewards. 

Why am I writing this blog....
Because although not conceiving is not anyone's fault, most of us think something is terribly wrong with us when we are unable to get pregnant. It is not. Nothing is wrong. We are perfect the way we are.

People, especially women usually don't talk about the tough time that we go through while trying to get pregnant. We should. Atleast I have, because I want others going through this journey to know that its ok and you are not alone. I am not afraid of being judged. 

Women can do a lot. Giving birth to a child is not our only purpose in life. For all the mom-in-laws who force the daughter-in-laws to get fertility treatments done against their will, it is a monstrous way to treat a human being. It is appropriate to mention one of my favorite quotes here by the world renowned Cardiologist, who decided to THINK and be human.

Although there is no PILL for every ILL, there is definitely an ILL following every PILL
- Dr.B.M.Hegde 

Finally, my dear friends  remember HAPPINESS is a CHOICE. Marriage, children, a great job, lots of money, a luxurious life style need not necessarily mean happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, that is achieved only when the mind is tranquil and you are at peace with yourself. So be HAPPY. May be what we think that we absolutely neeeeeeeddddd, is not that important when compared with our health, happiness and well-being. Think about it.:-)
Where there is hope, MIRACLES happen!
Signing off with this favourite quote of mine by Kalpana Chawla.

'The quickest way is not necessarily the best.'